The Silver Cup

I know where I am heading,
in the dark depths of the Abyss.
This is why I will be denying
the pleasure of your constant Bliss.

I will sip from your Silver Cup
when you offer it to me freely.
But I can  never drink in your Love
and accept your Embrace completely.

When I stare into the Reflecting Pool
I look beyond my tortured face.
I see  you glancing back at me – the fool.
I ache to reach for your Blessed Grace!

I see you before me,
I feel your skin,
I take in your scent,
I taste your lips,
I hear your Whispers in the Dark…

But then I remember my place
as I watch you walk away.
I struggle to remember your face
and the memories begin to fade.

I crave your sweet, titillating Wine
swishing in that Forbidden Silver Cup.
Forever taunting this broken soul of mine,
inspiring me to forever reach higher up.

Missing you

I love that a song echoing in my head at night
brings back the way you smell
and jolts my memory of your precious sight

I miss the way you look and feel
the way you breath and talk
for that is how my soul is healed

How I long to see you again
to touch your skin and feel your body
but only one thought remains:

you are not mine, nor am I supposed to be yours
one simple fact that keeps me broken
though you hold my heart, you are not mine to adore.

*sigh*

so close but so far away

once upon a time, not so long ago
I had a friend that I held so dear.
but now that time is gone and I am low,
I’ve ruined another friendship, I fear.

maybe time will heal and things will change
but why in the world would it be fixed
when I am always like a tiger in a cage
and my emotions create such a deadly mix.

once again, a once close friend
will hold me only at a distance
rather than risk it all in the end
and talk to me with only resistance.

I came so close, but am so far away
from keeping someone happy and content.
I stare in that damned looking glass in gray
and see the storm brewing again, I lament.

Why do I do this and keep up the hurt?
Why do I insist on trying day after day,
only to fuck it up again and revert?
Why do I always seem so close but so far away?

Another Glance

I took another glance in the Looking Glass
this hot, humid summer night;
I cringe at the reflection I see
in the silver moon’s light.

Every once in a while I see
that I am not the friend I want to be;
only that I remain in one’s head
as a wraith, a banshee, an eternal enemy.

That is when I remember this truth:
that the worst pain comes not from a fresh cut,
but rather the old scars ripped apart
and stitches yanked out of my heart.

Alas, this is the way life goes
and nothing is ever easy or fair;
life can be full of pain and woe,
This is how we grow and learn to care.

Black Hole Abyss

I sit in the dark that you have coldly banished me to.
I wait for some sign of the light that used to shine in your eyes.
I sense the damp air on my skin from your poisoned dew.
I embrace the lonely night as it surrounds me with my demise.

I watch the stars begin to fall into a black hole abyss.
I despair as your face slips from my memory’s hold.
I feel my chest sink with a breaking heart for there is no bliss.
I need to remember you to heal that part of my broken soul.

I try in vain to remember your touch, your look, your voice.
I search the deepest of my being to pull forth your essence.
I damn the sorrowed day in which I made my choice.
I know that to you I’m now in complete obsolescence.

I meditate carefully on your gentle caress.
I hope to taste once again your sweet kiss.
I can now remember your warm embrace.
I reach skyward to the empty sky and the black hole abyss.

Why Can’t I?

Why can’t I be ‘normal’ and like everyone else?
Why do I insist on being so damned different?
Why can’t I take a number, get in line and sit on a shelf?
Why can’t I be just another piece of fading parchment?

I’m so tired of  this life, I’m so tired of being me…
I want to die and start again to be accepted and loved.
I hate that I drag those I love to the dark sea,
to walk my plank and be given a shove.

Into the maelstrom that is me do they fall,
to drown in aggravation and worry and cause.
The swirling mass that is my broken soul
brings them down and slowly suffocates them all.

The crows fly overhead and loudly caw,
disguising the screams of those below.
As the whirlpool subsides, I begin to hide
all that is within me and I recover slow.

The sun breaks through the clouds
and I smile trying to not be me…
But deep down I know that I will break forth
and the hurricane will well up again in me…

…and make those I love most suffocate forevermore.

I’m stuck (blog not poem)

Why is it that I can’t get my head out of the swirling black hole that is enveloping me?  I know that there is a life I want that will never exist, but I just can’t seem to let go of that little flicker, that little chance in hell, that one day all I dream will come true.  I hate every part of my being and imagine myself in this other life the way I want to exist and look and feel – maybe that is why I just won’t let go… if I remain in this life as I am today, then I’ll be sick and miserable until the end of my short days… I imagine that if I can attain this other life, I’ll somehow be magically transformed into this being that is in tune with everyone and everything around her, someone that is healthy – someone that is happy.

And so I end this blog now.  I’ll have that tickle in the back of my screwed up head and scarred heart until the end of my short days.

In the dark of the night…

In the dark of the night, I reach out to you…
In the dark of the night, I can no longer see you…

As the dawn breaks, my weary eyes ache…
As the dawn breaks, my broken heart forsakes…

I watch the sun cross the sky, and I begin to cry…
I watch the sun cross the sky, and tell myself the lie…

The sun sets through a storm, I collapse in exhaustion…
The sun sets through a storm, I close my eyes in burdened…

The moon is bright and silver, as are my tears flowing…
The moon is bright and silver, as are the scars my heart’s forming…

In the dark of the night, I reach out to you…
In the dark of the night, I can no longer see you…

I dreamed of you…

You came to me in a dream,
a dream I barely can recall
in the waking daylight scheme.

I can only just see your face
or remember where you came from
and why you came upon the case.

I remember your silhouette,
I remember your brilliant blue eyes and
the sunlight made that blue like fire set.

I remember your profile and your hair,
that same sun flame casting a silver glow
and my heart skipped in despair.

Whatever had occurred in this dream
I had not told you of how I truly felt
My heart paused for I was in love it seems.

I drew near your radiant presence
and you turned toward me.
You smiled and welcomed my approach.

I hold that look on your face
deep in my foggy memory
as the rest of the dream escapes.

I know we embraced and I confessed
that I was holding back from you.
You welcomed me and my heart.

I don’t remember what happened after
and I don’t remember what happened before
but I know I will remember you forevermore!

I don’t know who you are.
I don’t know where you are.
But I do know you are real.

Where ever you are,
my thoughts and prayers remain
that He keep you safe in His reign!

Despair

I’ve spent much time walking slowly,
through the littered land of Despair.
I kneel and pick through the mess
that litters the ground there.

I see all around me the crumpled papers
that contain the words of my existence.
Not many are happy this day in time;
the ink is smudged from tears of grievance.

I am tired and torn, broken and battered;
time has not healed or helped me at all.
I am dirty and hungry for something
but I continue to wander and crawl.

The breeze arises and dries my teary cheeks;
the clouds part and the sun shines upon me.
I feel warm and reach skyward for sustenance.
For a moment I have hope, cheer and am happy.

But before I can become filled with that light
the breeze dies and the clouds close tight.
I open my eyes to the dreary gray skies
and a distant roll of thunder booms and cries.

I put my arms back down by my side,
and begin to tread once again
through the ravaged wasteland that is me;
filled with despair and I just let it reign.