Archive for the Actual blog – not literary Category

I’m stuck (blog not poem)

Posted in Actual blog - not literary on July 18, 2009 by Blood Red

Why is it that I can’t get my head out of the swirling black hole that is enveloping me?  I know that there is a life I want that will never exist, but I just can’t seem to let go of that little flicker, that little chance in hell, that one day all I dream will come true.  I hate every part of my being and imagine myself in this other life the way I want to exist and look and feel – maybe that is why I just won’t let go… if I remain in this life as I am today, then I’ll be sick and miserable until the end of my short days… I imagine that if I can attain this other life, I’ll somehow be magically transformed into this being that is in tune with everyone and everything around her, someone that is healthy – someone that is happy.

And so I end this blog now.  I’ll have that tickle in the back of my screwed up head and scarred heart until the end of my short days.

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Just me venting

Posted in Actual blog - not literary on May 16, 2009 by Blood Red

Life goes round and round and round and I’m struggling to keep up.  I do the best I can but I can feel myself slipping… I’m just not as strong as I thought I was. I’m weak, I give into some impulses… I’m just struggling to keep my head above water at this point.  So many are counting on me to take good care of them and I’m trying so hard… I know I’m still dissappointing them all though, just as I am myself.

I know that half the time, torturing myself is what keeps me going but now, I’m kind of too tortured… and I’m really starting to feel the pain.  My heart and soul has been broken for some time and now they are bleeding again… Why can’t I be stronger?

Okay, I guess vent session over…  I’m going to go sulk and watch TV – try to dissappear for a while… hoping to get a tattoo in a month or so… thinking the three-scar heart might be on the menu if I’m still feeling this way by then…  Love can sometimes be the slowest form of suicide…