Archive for July, 2009

Why Can’t I?

Posted in Poetry of Life on July 20, 2009 by Blood Red

Why can’t I be ‘normal’ and like everyone else?
Why do I insist on being so damned different?
Why can’t I take a number, get in line and sit on a shelf?
Why can’t I be just another piece of fading parchment?

I’m so tired of  this life, I’m so tired of being me…
I want to die and start again to be accepted and loved.
I hate that I drag those I love to the dark sea,
to walk my plank and be given a shove.

Into the maelstrom that is me do they fall,
to drown in aggravation and worry and cause.
The swirling mass that is my broken soul
brings them down and slowly suffocates them all.

The crows fly overhead and loudly caw,
disguising the screams of those below.
As the whirlpool subsides, I begin to hide
all that is within me and I recover slow.

The sun breaks through the clouds
and I smile trying to not be me…
But deep down I know that I will break forth
and the hurricane will well up again in me…

…and make those I love most suffocate forevermore.

I’m stuck (blog not poem)

Posted in Actual blog - not literary on July 18, 2009 by Blood Red

Why is it that I can’t get my head out of the swirling black hole that is enveloping me?  I know that there is a life I want that will never exist, but I just can’t seem to let go of that little flicker, that little chance in hell, that one day all I dream will come true.  I hate every part of my being and imagine myself in this other life the way I want to exist and look and feel – maybe that is why I just won’t let go… if I remain in this life as I am today, then I’ll be sick and miserable until the end of my short days… I imagine that if I can attain this other life, I’ll somehow be magically transformed into this being that is in tune with everyone and everything around her, someone that is healthy – someone that is happy.

And so I end this blog now.  I’ll have that tickle in the back of my screwed up head and scarred heart until the end of my short days.

In the dark of the night…

Posted in Poetry of Life on July 18, 2009 by Blood Red

In the dark of the night, I reach out to you…
In the dark of the night, I can no longer see you…

As the dawn breaks, my weary eyes ache…
As the dawn breaks, my broken heart forsakes…

I watch the sun cross the sky, and I begin to cry…
I watch the sun cross the sky, and tell myself the lie…

The sun sets through a storm, I collapse in exhaustion…
The sun sets through a storm, I close my eyes in burdened…

The moon is bright and silver, as are my tears flowing…
The moon is bright and silver, as are the scars my heart’s forming…

In the dark of the night, I reach out to you…
In the dark of the night, I can no longer see you…

I dreamed of you…

Posted in Poetry of Life on July 9, 2009 by Blood Red

You came to me in a dream,
a dream I barely can recall
in the waking daylight scheme.

I can only just see your face
or remember where you came from
and why you came upon the case.

I remember your silhouette,
I remember your brilliant blue eyes and
the sunlight made that blue like fire set.

I remember your profile and your hair,
that same sun flame casting a silver glow
and my heart skipped in despair.

Whatever had occurred in this dream
I had not told you of how I truly felt
My heart paused for I was in love it seems.

I drew near your radiant presence
and you turned toward me.
You smiled and welcomed my approach.

I hold that look on your face
deep in my foggy memory
as the rest of the dream escapes.

I know we embraced and I confessed
that I was holding back from you.
You welcomed me and my heart.

I don’t remember what happened after
and I don’t remember what happened before
but I know I will remember you forevermore!

I don’t know who you are.
I don’t know where you are.
But I do know you are real.

Where ever you are,
my thoughts and prayers remain
that He keep you safe in His reign!